Micah is two years old tomorrow

Micah is going to be two years old tomorrow. He and his family went to Tootsie railroad yesterday. His mom, dad, little baby brother, Omi, Uncle, and PopPop and MiMi went. I get to watch them on Facebook. They love taking pictures and videos so I go to their page and look. Yesterday when I was looking I saw something I had never seen before. I recognized that Micah is aware. He is becoming a person with understanding. It struck me. He is growing up; he is becoming a person and I have very little influence. Like I didn't know that was going to happen but it is different when someone knows something in their head and when they know something in their gut. It made me sad yet glad because he is in such a good place. I wonder though will he feel something missing in his inner person? He stares into space alot, I have seen that in his biological father, he does that too and when I see him doing that I think oh my is he lonely, what is he thinking about?

We are going to the mountains to see he and his family. It is for his birthday.
When we go to see Micah will he know us in his spirit? I know he won't know us from reality but will he know from within. Will he remember when I held him in the nursery at the hospital for a half hour,the only half an hour I would have alone with him ever in his young life, whispering to him that I loved him, that we loved him, that we would always love him, that I wish it could be different, that I loved him........

I pray for Micah everyday. Will that have an effect on him? Will he ever know that I pray for him? Will he know?

It is interesting because this adoption is very open and I still feel this way. I wonder if one day we will not be able to see him anymore. His parents are very nice and they know the Lord but I still know the possibility is always present that we will never see him so.....I give. I want to be a blessing to his family. Is there motive behind it.. I guess so. I hope not. I just want to be in Micah's life in whatever way I am allowed to be. A very humbling position. The lesson is loud. Is this not how I should be in any relationship. Should I not be willing to give without return? Sow into a life without the knowledge that I get something in return?

2 years later

Amazingly I started this blog a week and a half before my daughter Sarah gave birth to my grandson, Micah. I forgot I had written it. I read the initial blog and I sound so upbeat and so positive. I seemed to be unaware of the tidal wave coming to the shore of my life and that of my families life. That tidal wave brought great destruction. I have to say that. It was hugely destructive. It ripped into my being like nothing I have ever felt or care to feel again. Yes, destructive is the correct word. Devastating, we can go there. Utterly devastating. The last two years has been a journey that brought me to a place I never wanted to go. The effects of this wave forever changed the terrain of my life, the direction of my life, the fabric of my life. Waves are uncontrollable. Once they hit and you are in them you have absolutely NO control over where you will end up. You simply must ride and pray that you don't run out of air. It has taken my two years to come to this place. This place is the place of truth. This place where I can admit to the truth of the reality of losing my grandson. I can admit that I played a part in that story. My daughter was not alone in creating the circumstances that led up to placing her son for adoption. She did not get to that place without my husband and I. The story starts here.

"To be made to stand before the mirror of truth, even though it may take an eternity to face the facts about ourselves, is an aspect of God's faith in us. Though we don't believe that we have the resources to live truthfully, God believes in us more than we believe in ourselves. God is willing to take time with us. And if anyone is ever able to stand before that judging, redeeming mirror and fact the facts, it is only in response to something that God enacts, not the product of our own will or intellect. If we are able to love, it is because we have first been loved. (1 Jn. 4:19) grace alone separates the lost from the found, the redeemed from those yet awaiting the full communion that God desires for all." (Who will be saved p.82) Today I am standing before the mirror of truth. The truth is Sarah would never have been put in her position if I and my husband had faced the truth of who we were and fully relinquished our lives to Christ. If we had been willing to admit that we were not the perfect Christian family living our lives devoted to Him. If we had been willing to ask for help and to engage in true Christian community Sarah might have been saved having to let go of her first born son.

This is the truth, plain and simple. If it ended there I would want to kill myself but it doesn't. The truth continues. Jesus Christ knows me and He knows my husband. His love for us is infinite. I don't understand His love but I hope one day through His grace, His divine influence in our hearts, He will write His love on our hearts and we will experience loving others as He loves. I believe that is what He is doing now. I believe that our experience as a family walking through this very difficult time was designed by Him to do just that and more. The truth is that He loves us so much that He designed circumstances and he worked through those circumstances to bring us into a life that would be totally abandoned to Him. He loved us. He loves us. He will continue to love us.

Dedicated to Micah

I am dedicating this blog to Micah. Micah is a special little boy who will be in the world very soon. He doesn't know it yet but his life has been marked out for some really unique and wonderful adventures; he will be a man of God with purpose. His dad and mom were picked out specifically for their ability to help steer and guide Micah to his destiny. I am filled with anticipation for his life to be lived. Thank you to the birth mom who is willing to yield to a greater purpose.