2 years later

Amazingly I started this blog a week and a half before my daughter Sarah gave birth to my grandson, Micah. I forgot I had written it. I read the initial blog and I sound so upbeat and so positive. I seemed to be unaware of the tidal wave coming to the shore of my life and that of my families life. That tidal wave brought great destruction. I have to say that. It was hugely destructive. It ripped into my being like nothing I have ever felt or care to feel again. Yes, destructive is the correct word. Devastating, we can go there. Utterly devastating. The last two years has been a journey that brought me to a place I never wanted to go. The effects of this wave forever changed the terrain of my life, the direction of my life, the fabric of my life. Waves are uncontrollable. Once they hit and you are in them you have absolutely NO control over where you will end up. You simply must ride and pray that you don't run out of air. It has taken my two years to come to this place. This place is the place of truth. This place where I can admit to the truth of the reality of losing my grandson. I can admit that I played a part in that story. My daughter was not alone in creating the circumstances that led up to placing her son for adoption. She did not get to that place without my husband and I. The story starts here.

"To be made to stand before the mirror of truth, even though it may take an eternity to face the facts about ourselves, is an aspect of God's faith in us. Though we don't believe that we have the resources to live truthfully, God believes in us more than we believe in ourselves. God is willing to take time with us. And if anyone is ever able to stand before that judging, redeeming mirror and fact the facts, it is only in response to something that God enacts, not the product of our own will or intellect. If we are able to love, it is because we have first been loved. (1 Jn. 4:19) grace alone separates the lost from the found, the redeemed from those yet awaiting the full communion that God desires for all." (Who will be saved p.82) Today I am standing before the mirror of truth. The truth is Sarah would never have been put in her position if I and my husband had faced the truth of who we were and fully relinquished our lives to Christ. If we had been willing to admit that we were not the perfect Christian family living our lives devoted to Him. If we had been willing to ask for help and to engage in true Christian community Sarah might have been saved having to let go of her first born son.

This is the truth, plain and simple. If it ended there I would want to kill myself but it doesn't. The truth continues. Jesus Christ knows me and He knows my husband. His love for us is infinite. I don't understand His love but I hope one day through His grace, His divine influence in our hearts, He will write His love on our hearts and we will experience loving others as He loves. I believe that is what He is doing now. I believe that our experience as a family walking through this very difficult time was designed by Him to do just that and more. The truth is that He loves us so much that He designed circumstances and he worked through those circumstances to bring us into a life that would be totally abandoned to Him. He loved us. He loves us. He will continue to love us.